This is something I wrote on January 19th of this year. I wasn't having a good day...at all. I figured we've all had days like this, so I thought I'd share that even though I'm really enjoying my exercising, counting calories, etc. that it hasn't been easy.
I understand that weight fluctuates, and that it’s normal
when you are dieting and exercising to gain some weight and then lose it during
the process. Today is the second day in
a row that I’ve been up +.3. Today I
feel like I’m just kidding myself. I imagine
myself in the future and try to see a thin, healthy, happy girl and then I have
days like today and I feel like it’s all a pipe dream. I’ve always been fat. I will always be fat. Why do I try to convince myself
otherwise. Mike has been losing weight
every day. He looks great, feels great,
and is super motivated. I’m happy for
him, but I feel panicky that since I am apparently unable to lose an ounce, he
will be thin and I will be his fat wife.
I don’t want that.
If I had spent the
last week pigging out and laying around sleeping, I could see how I could see
NO results whatsoever. But I
haven’t! I’ve been logging all my
food. I’ve been running around with my
kids trying to keep my house in order (which I am also failing at). I wasn’t able to exercise as much as I wanted
because of having migraines, meetings, etc, but last night I walked/ran 2.6
miles. And today I’m fatter than
yesterday. I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m
frustrated, I’m discouraged, and I’m beaten.
I won’t stop doing what I’m doing, but a large part of me wonders if
it’s even worth it. Today I am going to
stop imagining what my body could look like, and pray that I can just stop
gaining weight.
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